Conflict Resolution Styles - Finding Your Approach to Healthy Disagreement
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How you handle conflict matters more than whether you have conflict. Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that couples’ conflict resolution styles predict relationship success more accurately than conflict frequency or topics (Gottman, 1999).
The Five Conflict Resolution Styles
Based on research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, people approach conflict through five primary styles based on two dimensions: assertiveness (pursuing your own concerns) and cooperativeness (pursuing others’ concerns).
Competing (High Assertiveness, Low Cooperation)
Competing means pursuing your own position forcefully without regard for others’ needs. This win-lose approach values being right over maintaining relationship harmony.
Strengths: Effective during emergencies requiring quick decisions, when protecting important principles, or when exploitation must be prevented.
Weaknesses: Damages relationships through steamrolling, creates resentment, prevents collaborative solutions, and makes partners feel unheard.
In Relationships: Competing style partners can dominate decisions, dismiss partners’ perspectives, and create power imbalances. Frequent use damages intimacy and trust.
Accommodating (Low Assertiveness, High Cooperation)
Accommodating means yielding to others’ preferences while neglecting your own needs. This style prioritizes relationship harmony over personal satisfaction.
Strengths: Useful when the issue matters more to your partner, when preserving harmony is crucial, or when you’re wrong and learning.
Weaknesses: Leads to resentment, prevents addressing legitimate needs, enables partners’ poor behavior, and prevents authentic connection.
In Relationships: Accommodating partners suppress their needs until resentment explodes, often becoming passive-aggressive or martyred. Balance is essential.
Avoiding (Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperation)
Avoiding means withdrawing from conflict rather than addressing it. This style neither pursues own concerns nor helps meet others’ needs.
Strengths: Appropriate when issues are trivial, when timing is wrong for productive discussion, or when emotions need to settle before addressing problems.
Weaknesses: Prevents resolution, allows problems to fester, communicates that relationship isn’t worth the effort, and damages intimacy through emotional distance.
In Relationships: Avoiding partners shut down during disagreements, leave when conflicts arise, or refuse to discuss problems, preventing resolution and creating disconnection.
Collaborating (High Assertiveness, High Cooperation)
Collaborating means working together to find solutions that fully satisfy both partners’ needs. This win-win approach values both relationship and individual needs.
Strengths: Creates best long-term solutions, builds intimacy through joint problem-solving, addresses both partners’ needs, and prevents resentment.
Weaknesses: Requires time, emotional energy, and both partners’ willingness to engage. Not always practical for minor issues.
In Relationships: Collaborating is the healthiest approach for important conflicts. It demonstrates respect for both people’s needs while working toward mutual satisfaction.
Compromising (Medium Assertiveness, Medium Cooperation)
Compromising means finding middle ground where both partners give up something to reach agreement. This style seeks acceptable rather than optimal solutions.
Strengths: Efficient for moderate-importance issues, works when collaboration isn’t possible, and provides workable solutions quickly.
Weaknesses: Nobody gets fully satisfied needs, can create “lose-lose” rather than “win-win,” and may prevent finding creative solutions that satisfy everyone.
In Relationships: Compromising works for low-stakes decisions but shouldn’t be default for important issues requiring collaborative solutions that meet both partners’ needs.
Matching Conflict Style to Situation
Healthy couples use different styles for different situations rather than defaulting to one approach:
Use Competing when: Safety is at risk, core values are violated, or exploitation must be stopped.
Use Accommodating when: Issue matters more to partner, you’re clearly wrong, or relationship harmony is more important than this specific outcome.
Use Avoiding when: Issue is truly trivial, emotions are too high for productive discussion, or you need time to think before addressing the problem.
Use Collaborating when: Issue is important to both partners, relationship is long-term, creativity could find better solutions, or both people’s needs genuinely matter.
Use Compromising when: Time is limited, issue has moderate importance, positions are entrenched, or collaboration isn’t possible.
When Conflict Styles Clash
Problems arise when partners use incompatible styles or when one style dominates:
Competing + Accommodating: Power imbalance where one partner dominates while the other yields. The accommodating partner builds resentment.
Competing + Competing: Escalating battles where both partners fight to win, creating destructive conflict without resolution.
Avoiding + Pursuing: Pursue-withdraw pattern where one partner wants to discuss while the other retreats, creating frustrating cycles.
Growing Your Conflict Resolution Skills
Develop flexibility in conflict approaches. Learn all five styles and practice using appropriate style for each situation.
Work on identifying your default pattern. Do you consistently compete, avoid, or accommodate? Recognizing your tendency allows conscious choice.
Practice collaborating on important issues. Start with smaller conflicts and build collaborative problem-solving skills before tackling major disagreements.
Learn to take breaks without avoiding. Pausing heated discussions to regulate emotions is different from refusing to ever address problems.
The Gottman Method for Healthy Conflict
Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies specific behaviors that predict relationship success or failure during conflict:
Avoid the Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling predict relationship demise. Replace these with gentle startup, taking responsibility, and staying engaged.
Use Softened Startup: Begin difficult conversations gently rather than with harsh accusations or criticism.
Accept Influence: Both partners must be willing to be influenced by each other rather than rigidly defending positions.
Repair and De-Escalate: Learn to recognize when conflict is escalating and use repair attempts—humor, affection, taking breaks—to reduce intensity.
When Professional Support Helps
If your conflict patterns damage your relationship, if you can’t resolve recurring issues, or if conflict becomes abusive, professional support is essential.
Online-Therapy.com offers couples therapy that can help you develop healthier conflict resolution patterns, identify destructive communication habits, and learn collaborative problem-solving skills. Therapists provide tools and practice for turning conflicts into opportunities for understanding rather than relationship damage.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman provides comprehensive guidance on conflict resolution based on decades of relationship research, including practical exercises for developing healthier patterns.
Conclusion
Conflict resolution style matters more than conflict frequency. When couples learn to match conflict approaches to situations, use collaboration for important issues, and avoid destructive patterns like the Four Horsemen, disagreements become opportunities for understanding rather than relationship threats. Your conflicts aren’t relationship failures—they’re invitations to develop the skills that create lasting partnership.
References:
- Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument. Xicom.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.